Choosing and Not Choosing ....

 Some wise women rightly say, 20's is 'Confusion', 30's is 'Trying to fit in' and 40's is 'Liberating'! As I will be 40 in less than a year from now, I feel more and more empowered to voice my thoughts in otherwise ‘uncomfortable’ topics.

Since I got married at the age of 28yrs I often encountered relatives, friends, acquaintances and total strangers asking me ‘When are you having kids?’ My mean mind wanted to say, "I got more aware of ‘contraception’ and choosing for my own body better after marriage". The information is rarely available to unmarried women. So, the possibilities of unwanted pregnancies are much higher before marriage. Marriage certainly didn’t change the productivity of my womb; it just made people comfortable to discuss my ‘very personal’ business. Strange, isn’t it!

 

Everyone has an opinion on ‘What would be better for me’, ‘How I would regret otherwise’. Once a co-passenger in a long flight even gave me tips on how to conceive a son. The trick supposedly worked for her each time. She added that her daughter in-law never listened to her and kept on having girls. Sigh! I was thankful to the flight's engine sound for the very first time that rescued me from listening to this ordeal of 'talks' from a complete stranger.

 

The latest encounters with friends and families are even more ridiculous and made me afraid of congratulating would be parents, complimenting kids to their parents or sharing information of would be parents with near and dear ones. Each time I expressed happiness for 'would be or now' parent's happiness, without failure I had to face statements like, 'Now it's your turn', 'Why are you taking so long, you should experience it as well' or 'Everyone chooses it except you' and sometimes some non-verbals. Hello, did I ask you I am happy for your dress and you are suggesting the boutique for me or did I share about my neighbor's latest vacation destination that I should consider as well for myself?

I am happy for all parents around me who planned and wanted kids and raised their kids as amazing human beings. There are plenty of such hard working parents around me. This is it. Happiness for happiness- it is as simple as this. The conversation doesn't need any extended suggestive, opinionated, frustrating phrases. Not planning to have biological kids or not having kids for whatever reason doesn’t make one child hater or monster. At the same time using societal/peer pressure techniques won’t make one a good parent unless the individual or couple are really interested in taking up the challenge of ‘parenthood’.

 

So, if one is choosing to be a parent – biologically, or using surrogacy (controversial and I am still not sure what my stand is around it) or by adopting- Celebrate them, make their life a little easier by not ‘giving your opinion on their lives or choices’. Be with them when they say it is hard and they are tired. Acknowledging ‘Parenthood’ is hard work is important. It is ok for parents to have a break or even doubts at times. 

 

Similarly, when you see a person like me who still didn’t choose to be a mother of a human being, keep your opinion of ‘How wonderful the childbirth and feeling’ is to yourself. I am incomplete as a human in many ways and not giving birth to a child is not one of the reasons. You are right, I may have regrets in future and I am up for it. It’s My CHOICE. I regret many things and this may add to the list. It will be My Choice. Wait, I am not done yet, tomorrow if and when my choice changes, it will still be My Choice. I am not here in this world to answer anyone why now, and why not then. 

 

Side note- When you are totally unhappy/frustrated/irritated with your kids and you have every reasons as parents to feel all these emotions, just share (only) if you want to but don’t tell a person who happen to not have kids (reasons don’t matter here) that their life is better by not having kids. It doesn’t make anyone feel or look any better. It is just cliché. Life is full of challenges and as adults we ‘sometimes’ are able to choose for ourselves and we live with the consequences of those choices. Making a choice of what is not considered ‘normal’ standard/expectations of society is as difficult as making a choice of having life, per ‘normal’ standard.

 

Idealistic thinking- Let's make talking about regrets and pain points easier for one another. Let parents complain, feel tired, have doubts (if any) about being parents, and let non-parents share their doubts, challenges and regrets (if any) with equal ease without judgement and opinion. 

The Devil Came Home on Thanksgiving

It was the weekend before Thanksgiving. A regular good fall weather weekend. Our schedule filled with car shopping and the next day was all about grocery shopping to avoid the last minute Thanksgiving rush in stores. Car shopping was mostly limited to the parked models outside in the lot, masking up whenever near anyone and grocery shopping was quick like most days in the last eight months. It was fun to step outside of the house as I hardly go out since I changed my job in October. As my partner in crime described, "I saw a very cute someone outside the grocery store being very sad and weeping for being separated from its clan. So I touched it, made it feel it can be with me and brought it home." I kept all non perishable items in the garage and cleaned everything else before stocking the fridge and washed my hands diligently. The next day the regular weekday began. However I woke up with a back sprain. Not very unfamiliar in my life, I did everything to get a relief that I always did in the past. I was just getting better the next day but felt something was not right. Next day or Third Day came the chills. I did my office work (secluded in the basement and away from all) and kept on popping tylenol every 6hours. By the time Thanksgiving morning came I knew I needed a test. It was not easy to find a center on a National Holiday that was doing testing without prior appointments. A dear Friend who recently went through the process suggested I'M Health. Thanks to I'M Health and the staff I got a slot late afternoon. The journey to the testing site and back was full of anxious mind games. Yes, the devil came home with me on Thanksgiving. I tested positive for COVID-19. 

There was an uncanny silence when I reached home. I didn't touch anything, didn't speak to anyone, went straight to my room and locked myself. Next few days were hazy. The only time I had contact with anyone at home when they brought me food. I would put my plate and bowl out so that they can pour the food on my plate without touching it. I cleaned my own dishes. The big relief was no one else was positive at home. My elderly in-laws are with us and the most scary part was thinking what if the virus reached them. They are stuck with us since the Covid saga began and they have no insurance as visitors in this part of the world! I guess, everyone living in the United States knows and understands how it is with or without medical aid here. 

My family kept feeding me nutritious food to build immunity and there were few Facetimes during the day to see my cats. Few friends and my sisters were only people who knew about it so a regular check and some random exchanges continued. I kept on working from home to keep my mind away from the virus during the day and fell into deep sleep the rest of the time. Luckily, the care and self isolation were enough for me to feel myself again in two weeks. However, the road to recovery was longer. Just when I was about to complete two weeks I again started having the similar back pain and my body temp would fall during the day. In those days my best friends were my electric kettle for instant hot drinks, mostly herbal tea and my electric heating pad. When I contacted the lab for a retest to make sure I was Covid free the lab informed that, "Covid-19 virus can stay in a human body for up to 90days. Hence, the test may come positive for the same period. However, if there's no symptom and the infected individual crossed the two weeks window then the person is not infectious to others any longer". It didn't give me comfort so I consulted my family physician and she confirmed the same with a line, "We are still learning about the virus". She recommended me to stay away from the family members for a few more days to be extra careful. Almost after a month now, my cats are coming to my room, staying with me. However, when I go outside of my room now, I still keep my mask on and I still wash my own dishes just to make sure! I still have the coughing. The doctor said it may stay longer especially with my asthma during winters. 

Symptoms I had-

Back pain or muscle sprain, Fever, Sore throat, Diarrhea, Partial loss of smell and taste, low body temperature, followed by coughing at the end.  

Helpful during the difficult days-

Good food, warm liquid with plenty of VitaminC, vapor, exchanging random messages with trusted family and friends, taking one day at a time and being present with myself. Self isolation is the key for keeping all other safe including keeping your pets away.

Wondering-

My thoughts go out to those who don't have luxury of working from home, no medical insurance in this country, those who became stat for world meter counting deaths due to Corona virus, those who lost their loved ones and those who do not have any one around them to take care of basic necessities while the patient can take plenty of rest and can only focus on recovery.  

Points that may be useful while talking to someone with COVID-19 

i. They are already going through a lot of scary thoughts. If they are responding during that exhausting scary period, talk something else after asking the general how they are feeling. 

ii. Do not ask 'how' they got it unless you are from the Government or Doctor's office who are responsible for contact tracing for that particular case. It's everywhere now! If you still want to know, refer to how my partner in crime mentioned "the sweet little sad thing I brought home' described in the first stanza. 

iii. As per the Worldometer more than 78, 361, 856 people are infected by the virus and 1, 723, 832 people lost their lives so far and the numbers are increasing every minute. Thus, we all have someone in our life who got either infected or know someone who succumbed. Please do not give the example of dead people when you talk to someone who is trying to recover from the disease. 

iv. Do not say that it's good as they are immune to the virus now! Remember 'we are still learning about the virus'! No medical professional will give this guarantee. It is a trend and it is an assumption for now. Moreover, no one wants to be immune by going through exhaustion, risking the lives of loved ones and having the life ending scary thoughts that come with COVID-19.   

At the end, we do not know how this virus will react to each person it infects. I am thankful that I became statistics only for the infected people in the world. Let's remember that there's the other scary stat too! Stay Safe, practice hand washing, and wear mask. All other things can wait for better time if we all survive this.  

Birthday Girl Seeking A Specific Gift (eyeroll!)

Growing up, I was the only one in the family who got new dress, cake, balloons, friends, and family and all possible things to make me feel like the princess of everyone’s heart on my birthdays. I blame Kaka (My Dearest Uncle) for spoiling me and so do my parents and sisters. No matter how near or far my family (both natal and marital) is, they make sure I feel the same even now. I feel the luckiest when my friends go extra mile to make my birthday a memorable one each year!

It was most difficult to learn ‘NO ASKING FOR GIFTS’ norm, which my sisters tried hard to teach me. However this time I am going to make an exception and will ask for a particular gift and I hope as my friends have always played along with my myriad ideas of celebrating my birthday, they would do so too this year.

I hereby present to you my demand for a specific birthday gift and the idea behind it:

Around two months back my sisters; a few friends and I raised an emergency fund to help a young woman with three children in Murshidabad, India. This was used through a local non-profit SPMUS with whom I been associated for many years now. The young lady’s children were badly burnt when her distant cousins burnt down her humble hut as they didn’t think it was a good idea for her to leave her abusive marital home in search of better future. You can find her story in my Facebook Page (March 4 & 15). She was in desperate need of shelter, health care, and food. Thanks to our friends we could reach out and provided her immediate support, so that she could get her children medical care and get basic supplies in place. The organization also could provide her legal help from their other program. The neighbors and the family that she worked with as a domestic-help, also helped her when they saw support pouring in.  Now the young woman is emerging as a role model and being approached by local organizations and women in distress, for counseling support. What we did is nothing more than being a ‘Missing Link’ that she needed during the most trying time of her life. Our support was small when you look at the quantity, but had immense impact in her life. It can prove to be a life changing impact, wherein she turned from the victim needing support to someone capable of providing support in a short period of time.

Over the years while supporting SPMUS I understood, unfortunately, these cases are fairly common. There is widespread child marriage, lack of education, and poverty leading to human trafficking as well as bonded labor. The geographical location of the area (it is situated near India-Bangladesh border) further intensifies the vulnerability of young women. The success of the latest case inspired me to begin a project called 'MissingLink' with the non-profit SPMUS (registered and all accounts done and maintained) in India. The Goal of 'MissingLink' is to provide immediate emergency assistance and shelter to young mothers (over 18 years, as younger go to Government run children’s homes) who are escaping domestic violence and potential target for traffickers.

Project 'MissingLink' will go live on Global Giving Site (a Fundraising website for non-profits for donors like us in the USA) and we need to raise $5000 from at least 40 donors in one month from the time it goes live to secure a permanent spot in Global Giving.

If we make it possible, we may secure a matching donation through Global Giving. We need to raise $10,000 in total to initiate the project formally and more effectively rather than doing things at the spurt of the moment.

I am reaching out to few funding organizations in the mean time, which support similar causes, as I know probably raising $5000 won't be possible through individuals at this moment. Once we secure the permanent spot we can raise $10k over the period of time. Here's the link of the project, which is still not active in Global Giving.

I am also forwarding a page for donation amount just to let you know that even $10 will be help a future resident of the facility to travel around for finding job/work. Please set your calendar for Reminder for June 12. I will also be happy to remind you if you pledge to be the 'MissingLink'

https://www.globalgiving.org/projects/shelter-for-women-escaping-trafficking-n-domestic-abuse/

Please do not forget to share it on your page.

As I gave you a background of my wish list, the greedy birthday girl also went around asking for pledge as birthday gift from her immediate friends and family members to help her and guess what! I already have $500 in total pledge!! Even if I have a long way to go in order to make the project come live, I feel 1000 times more motivated with this strong support I received. Will you too help me be the MissingLink? It will be a delayed birthday present coming and making me happy in the month of June J

For more information-

Who betrayed them?

Of my love and other demons!

Gifts I want on your Birthday, Baba!

Yes, You heard me right! The ever-demanding me wants gifts from you, on your birthday 😁

1.   You Waiting for me Happily at home - My favorite time was you returning home after your shift in the factory or after several days from your official and non-official trips or may be after months of staying out of town… I used to run downstairs from our tiny little workers’ quarter at the 2^nd floor (American friends please read it 3^rd floor) to greet you! It took me several years to reach the height when I could unlatch the door (as the locks where located on the top of the door) on my own. But me being myself, always so demanding and always so ready to give you all the stories that happened at home in your absence didn’t even mind troubling others. Did you know, one such day upon hearing the sound of your motorbike (our Rajdoot), I ran to Didibhai and asked her to open the door. Probably that was a very bad day for her and I nagged her too much. She gave me a nice tight slap before she realized that I would even tell you about what just happened. Before I could open my mouth and scream, I realized she started massaging my cheek with moisturizer only with the hope that her fingerprints will fade away before you enter the home. I was shocked! No, not because I was slapped for the first time (And the very last time!) but because I saw she started crying before I could understand what just happened to me. Baba, by the time you entered home that night after talking to few people who were waiting for you at the gate to solve their problems, I forgot all about the slap that I just got minutes before. Because I used to wait for that particular moment when I could share all the “happening things” that happened during the day including me failing exams in my nursery classes 😜

I believe the time is now perfect when I can expect you to give me few months of your life to wait for me at home, all happy and excited to share your day with me. I want you to forget everything bad that happened during the day and feel equally excited when I come home as if you were just waiting for me the way I used to…. Will you please, Baba?

2.   You going with me for drive- Amongst your three daughters, no one can have a doubt that I rode the motorbike the most with you. Much more than anyone else. I enjoyed it so much that one of the persistent fears I had was growing up! I used to fear what if I grow up and you become elderly and unable to ride a bike anymore! When everyone was complaining about your reckless driving, I was the only one who would vouch for it! My Baba bestest! J And, you of all people knew I faced the most accidents while riding in your bike. So many times, you and I lied to Ma…. Those were our little secrets, our world. Now, I want you to give me some time so that I can take you for drive through new roads, new places, face some adventures and make some new memories. Can you please give me that time to make new memories with you while the roads pass by us again and we sing “ei poth Jodi na sesh hoy…”?

3.   Writing about your experiences- Yes, you asked me to write about my experience when you took me on an over-night journey with a sick patient in an ambulance. Ma was so angry with you for doing that. She said, I would be an utter failure in my life and you would be responsible for all of that! And remember that time, when we were waiting for the dawn to break before crossing the infamous forest, which was not recommended to cross at night on the way to Jamshedpur? You decided do it anyway. Most of the time I did not even understand the reasons behind those sudden overnight trips I made with you but now I think, I just used all opportunities that let me spend few more extra hours with you: traveling, learning, listening to you! Now, I want you to write your experiences from all these years dealing with so many people and so many places.

The other day I overheard somebody narrating a story from his experience that changed his perception for lifetime towards a ‘different’ community. Unfortunately he got into a trouble on the road with a person who happened to be from a different community and the small trouble on the street took a communal color eventually. After that incident he can’t trust people from that particular community and find solace in his ‘own’ community. It left me thinking about various incidences that I experienced when I was young. One such was you disciplining all guys in the locality equally who showed tendency towards choosing not the right path. Faces of Rajib da and Altaf da flashed in front of me. How you cared for both! How you thought both should become the best they could become!

The young and fairytale loving me had no clue of what’s the meaning of ‘Altaf’. I used to think they are band of troublemakers who wear ‘Alta’ (The red dye women apply on feet during weddings or festivals) on their feet like bandits of old Bengali stories. I used to call their gang ‘Alta Pora Chele’ (Guys with Alta on their feet) and it became a standard joke in our home those days! I do not remember a single incidence where anyone could accuse you of treating any of them differently, owing to difference in religion/age/gender/political affiliation etc. I rather remember their guardians coming to you to take your advice on disciplining them better. How did you do that Baba? I believe, in this troubled times when all of us are becoming more and more self-centered with every passing year, we need to hear more from people like you who thought differently, treated equally and fought for others rights fearlessly. Can you start writing please?

Will you gift me these? Will you make my life more special with your time and your writing? Will you help me to make more memories to cherish and leave our legacy for the generations to come? Happy Birthday, Baba! You are the most special person in our lives!