Some wise women rightly say, 20's is 'Confusion', 30's is 'Trying to fit in' and 40's is 'Liberating'! As I will be 40 in less than a year from now, I feel more and more empowered to voice my thoughts in otherwise ‘uncomfortable’ topics.
Everyone has an opinion on ‘What would be better for me’, ‘How I would regret otherwise’. Once a co-passenger in a long flight even gave me tips on how to conceive a son. The trick supposedly worked for her each time. She added that her daughter in-law never listened to her and kept on having girls. Sigh! I was thankful to the flight's engine sound for the very first time that rescued me from listening to this ordeal of 'talks' from a complete stranger.
The latest encounters with friends and families are even more ridiculous and made me afraid of congratulating would be parents, complimenting kids to their parents or sharing information of would be parents with near and dear ones. Each time I expressed happiness for 'would be or now' parent's happiness, without failure I had to face statements like, 'Now it's your turn', 'Why are you taking so long, you should experience it as well' or 'Everyone chooses it except you' and sometimes some non-verbals. Hello, did I ask you I am happy for your dress and you are suggesting the boutique for me or did I share about my neighbor's latest vacation destination that I should consider as well for myself?
I am happy for all parents around me who planned and wanted kids and raised their kids as amazing human beings. There are plenty of such hard working parents around me. This is it. Happiness for happiness- it is as simple as this. The conversation doesn't need any extended suggestive, opinionated, frustrating phrases. Not planning to have biological kids or not having kids for whatever reason doesn’t make one child hater or monster. At the same time using societal/peer pressure techniques won’t make one a good parent unless the individual or couple are really interested in taking up the challenge of ‘parenthood’.
So, if one is choosing to be a parent – biologically, or using surrogacy (controversial and I am still not sure what my stand is around it) or by adopting- Celebrate them, make their life a little easier by not ‘giving your opinion on their lives or choices’. Be with them when they say it is hard and they are tired. Acknowledging ‘Parenthood’ is hard work is important. It is ok for parents to have a break or even doubts at times.
Similarly, when you see a person like me who still didn’t choose to be a mother of a human being, keep your opinion of ‘How wonderful the childbirth and feeling’ is to yourself. I am incomplete as a human in many ways and not giving birth to a child is not one of the reasons. You are right, I may have regrets in future and I am up for it. It’s My CHOICE. I regret many things and this may add to the list. It will be My Choice. Wait, I am not done yet, tomorrow if and when my choice changes, it will still be My Choice. I am not here in this world to answer anyone why now, and why not then.
Side note- When you are totally unhappy/frustrated/irritated with your kids and you have every reasons as parents to feel all these emotions, just share (only) if you want to but don’t tell a person who happen to not have kids (reasons don’t matter here) that their life is better by not having kids. It doesn’t make anyone feel or look any better. It is just cliché. Life is full of challenges and as adults we ‘sometimes’ are able to choose for ourselves and we live with the consequences of those choices. Making a choice of what is not considered ‘normal’ standard/expectations of society is as difficult as making a choice of having life, per ‘normal’ standard.
Idealistic thinking- Let's make talking about regrets and pain points easier for one another. Let parents complain, feel tired, have doubts (if any) about being parents, and let non-parents share their doubts, challenges and regrets (if any) with equal ease without judgement and opinion.
No comments:
Post a Comment